I didn't start out tired . . .

Discovery Park July 2008 (139)

2008-07-28T01:47:00.001-07:00

Discovery Park July 2008 (139)
Originally uploaded by javaverses

Another kind of anniversary

2006-09-16T02:32:00.000-07:00

September 15th 2001 I made what, even to this day 5 years later, was the hardest decision of my life. Four days after the world trade center attack, when the entire nation was still in shock, and everyone ( I believe) was beginning to reevaluate what was important in their life, I made the decision to leave my husband of 3 1/2 years. I feel tonight as though I must write about it and not let this date go unmarked. September 11th, I'm sorry to say, changed my life for the better, although I feel an overwhelming sadness in thinking that so many suffered and died, it woke us all up. As it was that night, tonight I sit typing late into the night unable to sleep, but thankful for different reasons. Tonight is the night I have to say once again, John I love you and thank you for taking me as I am and loving me in return, and for giving me more than I ever knew I needed in the form of two energetic boys.

I also want to send this thought out into space ... Casey, wherever you are, what ever you are doing now, I still love you for all the things that made you, you. I want you to have happiness and family, health and real lasting love. I cannot hear Depech Mode, Front 242, or Information Society without thinking of you. I wonder often how you are doing, if you are happy, and if you have forgiven me for hurting you. I hope you know now, and understand that it was not something I wanted to do, to hurt you. I told you then, that one day you would understand, I hope that this is true. I hope you can think of me fondly, as I do of you now. We had many issues of which I will not speak, but most had more to do with youth and incompatibility and outside expectations. You were a good friend and a good man, I hope you still are.

Learning to see

2006-08-31T00:01:00.000-07:00

I should be sleeping, but I just got Rowan back in bed. He had a night terror, you know the ones like nightmares except they don't wake up from them. I hate those because its hard to soothe when they really aren’t even with you, and if you try to truly wake him, it makes it worst. Sometime because his eyes might be open you might think he's are awake and just scared, but he's not. He cries and cough that scared crying hiccupy cough, and I'll think that he just has a dry throat, but then I get him water and he doesn't see it, pushes it away, doesn't want it. So I hold him, he struggles at first, but soon he settles down and we rock. 5-10 minutes later he's relaxed under my cheek his breathing is clam and normal again, and I am left just thinking.

John has blogged a little about our realization of the uniqueness of Rowan, I have so much to say but I always seem to put it off to another day, sometimes today seems hard enough with out adding to it. Yester day (Tuesday) was our first “session”, I guess you’d call it, with Ms.D the child development therapist from ECI. Our session are 45 minutes a week, 4 times a month, which is the max the program will allow. I don’t know if we are getting the max because they think he really needs it, or because we only have 6 months before he graduates out. Either way I’m glad and appreciate the time we will get. From the first time he met D he warmed up to her. He does that with a select few people, so I am glad she was chosen for us. Already I am learning to see so much I guess I was blind to before. All these signs that things were not “normal” that I had just attributed to personality. He had sensory issues that had I know what I was looking at I might have seen even as an infant. I feel so fucking stupid to have missed it and I just keep replaying all the things that caught me as odd when he was a baby and realizing I should have brought it up to his doctor. I just didn’t know, and I thought, well different child different likes & dislikes. The stimming is a sign that he is overwhelmed, scared or frustrated. How could I not see that? I just thought he was being a goofy kid, examining his hands, jumping around. Sure he was different, but I didn’t see that he was needing something. My brave little man, so self reliant. I just want to come home one day and have him tell me “Mommy I love you, hold me” or even just “pick me up"

Technorati Tags: autism

Roro

2006-07-07T00:34:00.000-07:00

Its late and I'm tired. Roro's got be worried lately, but I'm trying very hard not to be overprotective or paranoid. We are looking into getting him tested for pdd. It is a series of developmental disorders that include autism. I guess I'll include a more detailed update later.

A long road to hoe ...

2006-07-02T12:24:00.000-07:00

I love my sons, as different as they are, each one is unique & special. Its hard to describe how they have each touched and enriched my life in different ways. We know since Rowan was a young infant that he was .. well different. He is exceptionally bright, but different in a lot of ways from his brother. If you read back through my blogs in the last two years you'll see this has been a recurring topic. As different as they are I never really thought anything was wrong, except at one point I thought maybe he had a hearing problem. You see I would call his name over & over and he wouldn't respond. I would tell him simple things and he wouldn't respond. No was never in his vocabulary, and that is usually one of they first few word a kid says and repeats, but not Rowan. I'd clap behind him and he wouldn't flinch. Yet he loves music and if he is in his room and his favorite show "Jack's Big Music Show" comes on in the living room he will come running. He can hear a bag of chips or a piece of candy being opened behind a closed door. So how can he have a hearing problem, right? We called it being stubborn, focused, single minded, ect. We laughed about it. Rowan is 2 1/2, he counts backwards & forwards, can spell & write his first name, but he won't play with other children. He won't communicate he wants a drink, or that he is wet or hungry. It is only in the last month that he has begun to hold eye contact with us, give any kind of consistent affection or acknowledgement and greet me & John when we arrive home from work and still shows no real distress when we leave. Some times I feel and think I am exaggerating our situation. But I cant deny the many times other people, strangers and family, that have asked me about him. Why doesn't he play with others ect? We called it independent, we called him a loner, but while he may be a lot of those thing, I can't deny its become apparent something is wrong.

A rare sunday morning jaunt

2006-06-16T00:06:00.000-07:00

2006-05-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

I really need to update this thing ....

Goodbye 05, Hello 06

2006-01-01T09:39:00.000-08:00

It's 2006 now and I think I am going to quit smoking. But I won't tell anyone, that way I can renege with out explanation, and no one will hassle me .... So far its been about 10 hours without one, but most of it was spent sleeping.

2005-11-04T14:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, here I am drifting back to blogger . . . I'm sorry I have neglected you, really I love you too... Its just that there is LJ, 2 accounts no less, myspace, wild poetry, and the poetry circle.... I'm afraid this neglect is only going to get worse . . . You see I am starting a group for poets in the flesh, and looking for a new job. Once those things come into being I won't be able to visit as often, not that I ever visited you that often here. Well, ya know I do favor your sister account - Javaverses . . ., and then there is your brother account Super Babies ... I think I'm spread to thin ...

Anyways .. Here is what's going on right now. I had a poem featured at The Poetry Circle, I have had a few interviews for possible jobs. I have been going to open mikes more often, though not frequently by any means. I got some old friends contact information, I've made some new friends ... I've begun writing a little bit again. Ummm that seems to be about it. Damn... I'm boring.

Update

2005-10-11T22:16:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since I've posted here. Lately I have drifted back to my LJ, and I have also been checking out myspace. Anyways its time for an update so I thought I'd finally move over my audio-blogs from the hurricane Rita trip, and make a few comments too.

We left Houston at 6.06 pm Wed Sept 21 2005, I remember this because I did an audio-blog as we were driving down Kings Point towards I-45. I looked at the clock as I was talking, but must have hung up before I saved it, cause it never showed up on my blog. I think I did this more than once, judging by how many post showed up over that few days (I know I did more than that). Oh well - here is what survived.

Wed Sept 21 2005 7.53 pm

Thurs Sept 22 2005 1.25 am

Thurs Sept 22 2005 8.41 am

Sweet Memories

2005-07-25T23:55:00.000-07:00

In The beginning 2001
Year One 2002Year Two 2003
Year Three 2004
Working On Year Four 2005
It's officially been 3 years now that we've been married, and this early morning I surrendered to the call to blog.

What a strange and wild ride life is. Things can change so drastically in such a short period of time. There are highs and lows, but it the unexpected and unanticipated journeys that are the sweetest. Five years ago, I could have never guessed that I would be where I am today. Sometimes I have to sit and just be thankful that I made blind decidsions that scared the hell out of me at the time, but turned out to be the best calls of my life. I never dreamed that would meet the man of my soul, as a goofy coffee shop acquaintance who would encourage me and kick my ass in to action, recovery and rediscovery.

It really does seem to have been destiny or God, that brought us together at the right time (even thought it seemed like the wrong time) at the right place, when we need each other, and were ready for it to happen. If it began any earlier, it would have been doomed. If it had happened much later, we both would have been to jaded and perhaps scarred make it work.

Life will never be perfect, the will always be bills, housework, and other miscellaneous things that will throw you curve balls, but right now I couldn't be any happier. I've got the one person who really gets me and he has promised to spend the rest of his life with me. The day he asked me to marry him I knew he meant every word he said, and the day we took our vows only reaffirmed what our hearts had been saying all along.

My eye lids are drooping, but my fingers keep moving and my ass remains firmly planted in this seat.

2005-07-25T00:31:00.000-07:00

There is a Willie Nelson song that goes something like, "Lord, what can you do to me now", and that's sort of how I've been feeling lately. My grandpa died about 2 weeks ago,and it seems to have been down hill from there. I've had my minivan towed 3 times, and it suppose to be our "good" car. First I got one wheel stuck in the ditch off our driveway. Then it just stopped running as I was driving down a nice deserted road, that I'm not familiar with and my phone battery was almost dead, coming to a complete stop in front of an intersection (we had it towed home), then it was towed from home after we discovered that we proublely didn't want to try to do fix it ourselves. My family's was in town for the funeral, they stayed a week, and thankfully have gone home before anyone's feelings were to badly damanged. The highlight of the month - a had a good sized closing (my largest single pay check so far), the negative side, is it all going to bills, at least 1200 of which were racked up since July 1st. On top of it all I get the joyous job of ferreting out all my grandfathers secrets, before its too late to unravel it all. He was a very defensive, conniving, secretive man (sorry I'm a bit bitter today). While I am complaining, I did volunteer because I wanted know what really went on the last 7 years especially. I guess it sould be a lesson to us all. Nothing is so bad or shameful that you can't share it with your spouse, if you love each other. If it is then you are in the wrong relationship and should leave quickly, before you distroy them and your self. Fucking Bastard.

Tap, tap, tap goes the hammer

2005-07-25T00:17:00.000-07:00

Been goofing around tonight with blog settings, templates, photo posting and general editing on my other blog. Found a few cool settings and fixed some stuff. I started out mostly trying to fix my user pic. Ya see, I originally posted it to my blog, so I could have a URL to link it to to set it up. But it was on my poetry blog, which I really only wanted to have my poetry as far as postings. Besides, the pic was too big and was causing the page to load slower for those poor pathetic souls with slower connections. I forgot that all my pics at flickr had URLs. So I got that fixed.
Now I need to go do a cigarette run.

And now . . . 24-25

2005-07-02T01:27:00.000-07:00

Can You Tell I Am Drunk
Originally uploaded by javaverses.

At 21

2005-07-02T01:04:00.000-07:00

Brandy's Henna Tattoo
Originally uploaded by javaverses.

Getting Old . . . er

2005-07-01T23:12:00.000-07:00

I'll be 25 on Monday. I didn't think it would bother me till I started thinking about it today. I was sitting at the mall kiosk watching all these 15-19 year olds flirt, and shop, and generally act carefree, and it hit me, that will never be me again. The closest I will ever come to it will be when my boys reach that age, and I will be close to forty then. Its just a little depressing to watch theses perfect bodies walking all around you, thinking, my stomach will never be that flat again (with out plastic surgery), and my skin never that flawless, and everything else that generally perfect. Really, I am not that vain, I know that its only natural to age and all that shit. I don't regret having children, even though it changed my body in ways that can never be reversed. But sometimes, I just wish I could have a few moments of my youth back. --- So anyways, I'm sitting there in a daze thinking about all this & my impending birthday when this young guy walks up and says "how's it going today". Distracted I automatically replied "fine" thinking he was just some teenage shopper, until I turned around and realized he was my replacement. Now, I am tied with one other girl in my office as the youngest agent currently working there. You have to be 18 to get a license, and the average age to start real estate is mid 30's, with the average age of most Realtors being 45+. So being 24, with close to a year in the business is pretty young for most. This guy didn't look a day over 17, if that. Well, we got to talking I found out he is 21, and got his license at 18. I asked him how he dealt with the age issue, knowing he did have some help because his mom is a well established Realtor. He said most of the time he did encounter some hesitation, because of his age, but the dealt with it with knowledge and confidence. Yada yada that's cool what ever, Mr. Silver spoon. Then he said you must have it easier. Now I really don't know what he meant by that. I took it to mean that I look older. But how fucking old can I look to a 21 year old? I mean no, I realize I don't look adolescent any more, those days are over. Most of the time I don't get carded anymore, and when I do they are just doing to be nice or to verify its my credit card. But Fucking-A, that made me feel as though I were turning 35, not 25. So I've always believed that you are only as old as you feel, and today I feel fucking old!

Delirious

2005-06-29T00:06:00.000-07:00

Why am I up at this hour, I need to go to bed . . .

My hearts breaking . . .

2005-05-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

I know I'm obsessing.

I've been told this, but I can't stop thinking about it. My friends son was found dead this week after he had disappeared a week ago. I helped a little handing out flyers and talking to people and businesses, but not nearly as much as I should have and wanted to. In the end it seems futile, because he was already dead. Found the day before mothers day. How can a mother go on . . .Except to see that the bastards who did this rot in hell and prison, each in their turn.

He was a teenager, who like all teenagers made some foolish choices. But unfortunately he didn't get to learn from his mistakes and his mother will have to find a way to hold her mind, body and spirit together. My heart breaks for her, the hope we all held that he'd just gotten mad and ran away trying to scare her. I hoped we find him and she could reunite, cry and get good and mad at all he'd put her and everyone threw. But it couldn't be that simple, I don't think anyone ever really thought it was, we just hoped.

In some ways I'm mad at the media for its bias news coverage. If it had been a female of any age every one with a TV with in a 350 mile radius of the city would have heard about it. People would have come out in droves to search and handed out filers, and immediately we would have feared the worst, still hoping for the best. But as it was there were only a few short stories on it, most of which were on his death rather than the original search. Only his death seemed to make it really news worthy.

Then I feel angry at the sheriffs. His body was found by volunteers and family, 200ish yards from his car, 5 days after the discovery of the car. I'm sorry, maybe I'm stupid and uninformed but it just seems ridiculous to me. I assumed that in would be common sense that when you have someone missing and you find their car you would look over the immediate vicinity (including fields next to it) for any clues . . . Like a body! The hell she went threw when he was probably there all along. A fucking week.

Anyways, its another senseless death in a cruel and heartless world. Or at least that's how it feels today. Another family left to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts and lives. God bless you%2

Super Babies

2005-01-31T01:06:00.000-08:00

Super Babies cool

Somethings Wrong With This World

2004-11-20T18:04:00.000-08:00

I'm 24, and I'm going with my 69 year old grandmother to bail my 68 year old grandfather out of jail. This SUCKS!

2004-11-18T22:32:00.000-08:00

It's still hard to belive he was ever that small!

2004-11-18T22:30:00.000-08:00

Two happy kiddos, can't wait to see you two guys together again!

2004-11-18T22:28:00.000-08:00

Wanted to welcome my friends to bloging! Hey Con-man!

2004-11-14T16:33:00.000-08:00

The little cutie!

2004-11-13T00:00:00.000-08:00

Welcome To The World Joel Austin!
7 lbs 13.4 oz, & 19 inches long!
Born 10:37 AM Friday November 12 2004

What a happy little family! My little sister's new addition, Joel Austin! The baby is doing great, but the parents could use some sleep!

2004-11-12T23:01:00.000-08:00

My Happly Little Family - Rowan 3 months, Aidan 19 months.

2004-11-12T22:57:00.000-08:00

Conner & Aidan

2004-11-12T22:54:00.000-08:00

My Cuties!

2004-11-12T22:45:00.000-08:00

my little ro ro

2004-11-12T22:38:00.000-08:00

Also found this today

Edited post ... oops typoed the damn url!