Discovery Park July 2008 (139)

Discovery Park July 2008 (139)
Originally uploaded by javaverses

Another kind of anniversary

September 15th 2001 I made what, even to this day 5 years later, was the hardest decision of my life. Four days after the world trade center attack, when the entire nation was still in shock, and everyone ( I believe) was beginning to reevaluate what was important in their life, I made the decision to leave my husband of 3 1/2 years. I feel tonight as though I must write about it and not let this date go unmarked. September 11th, I'm sorry to say, changed my life for the better, although I feel an overwhelming sadness in thinking that so many suffered and died, it woke us all up. As it was that night, tonight I sit typing late into the night unable to sleep, but thankful for different reasons. Tonight is the night I have to say once again, John I love you and thank you for taking me as I am and loving me in return, and for giving me more than I ever knew I needed in the form of two energetic boys.

I also want to send this thought out into space ... Casey, wherever you are, what ever you are doing now, I still love you for all the things that made you, you. I want you to have happiness and family, health and real lasting love. I cannot hear Depech Mode, Front 242, or Information Society without thinking of you. I wonder often how you are doing, if you are happy, and if you have forgiven me for hurting you. I hope you know now, and understand that it was not something I wanted to do, to hurt you. I told you then, that one day you would understand, I hope that this is true. I hope you can think of me fondly, as I do of you now. We had many issues of which I will not speak, but most had more to do with youth and incompatibility and outside expectations. You were a good friend and a good man, I hope you still are.

Learning to see

I should be sleeping, but I just got Rowan back in bed. He had a night terror, you know the ones like  nightmares except they don't wake up from them. I hate those because its hard to soothe when they really aren’t even with you, and if you try to truly wake him, it makes it worst. Sometime because his eyes might be open you might think he's are awake and just scared, but he's not. He cries and cough that scared crying hiccupy cough, and I'll think that he just has a dry throat, but then I get him water and he doesn't see it, pushes it away, doesn't want it. So I hold him, he struggles at first, but soon he settles down and we rock. 5-10 minutes later he's relaxed under my cheek his breathing is clam and normal again, and I am left just thinking.

 John has blogged a little about our realization of the uniqueness of Rowan, I have so much to say but I always seem to put it off to another day, sometimes today seems hard enough with out adding to it. Yester day (Tuesday) was our first “session”, I guess you’d call it, with Ms.D the child development therapist from ECI. Our session are 45 minutes a week, 4 times a month, which is the max the program will allow. I don’t know if we are getting the max because they think he really needs it, or because we only have 6 months before he graduates out. Either way I’m glad and appreciate the time we will get. From the first time he met D he warmed up to her. He does that with a  select few people, so I am glad she was chosen for us. Already I am learning to see so much I guess I was blind to before. All these signs that things were not “normal” that I had just attributed to personality. He had sensory issues that had I know what I was looking at I might have seen even as an infant. I feel so fucking stupid to have missed it and I just keep replaying all the things that caught me as odd when he was a baby and realizing I should have brought it up to his doctor. I just didn’t know, and I thought, well different child different likes & dislikes. The stimming is a sign that he is overwhelmed, scared or frustrated. How could I not see that? I just thought he was being a goofy kid, examining his hands, jumping around. Sure he was different, but I didn’t see that he was needing something. My brave little man, so self reliant. I just want to come home one day and have him tell me “Mommy I love you, hold me” or even just “pick me up"

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